zoo meditation. or not meditation but smutty word vomit.

so one of the biggest drawbacks to being a vegan is you can't go to zoos. or you can, but you just can't tell anyone about it. and i mean not that i'm preoccupied with labels, or that i really wanna have vegan street cred or anything, but folks get kinda uppity when i turn down their bacon cheeseburgers but i still get off on watching yaks rub their shaggy hides into bloody mats on the concrete protrusions of their imitation steppe while trying to escape from the cruel, endless humiliations of their grim imprisonment.

which i don't.

that being said i went to the zoo last week (for the first time in years!) and it was so cool! my visit recalled a scene from debra franco's genre-defining work, "am i normal", a stanchion of american cinematic efforts since its creation in 1979. the film details a boy's progress from wayward youth to virile gentleman of fortune, and in the process introduces our fledgling child to a helpful zookeeper (played by the divine edward sullivan), whose memorable words still echo in the minds of all former teenage boys who were forced to watch the film in health class: "in this job, i see a lot of penises. animal penises, that is".

anyway point is i almost got a chance to ask a zookeeper an actually really pressing question about animal penises, but i just couldn't get myself to do it. i mean i was really curious too!

so were you aware that (according to wikipedia) boy octopi actually have only seven arms and one penis? or it's still an arm but does penis stuff too like putting sperm in lady octopi's hoohas. the seven-legged octopus, in fact, is so named because its dick-arm is hidden under its eye (aaah!) (ewww!) so it doesn't get confused with the other arms. naturally, as a scientifically-minded fledgling youth i just had to ask the zookeeper about boy octopi and their crazy insane penis arm. for science!

but the more and more i worked myself up tryin to figure out which of the octopus' arms was actually a dick and just needing to tourette's to this zookeeper about cocktopi, the more i realized that he was a very nice old man and his ailing mind would be blown to smithereens if i so much as mentioned penises around him. so he just babbled on in his educational filmreel voice about mollusks and i listened, wondering my pubescent brain to smithereens about octopus dicks.

i kinda wonder, though, if there can someday exist a world where zookeepers are able to spout off to kids about octopus dicks without parents pulling out tasers and filing complaints. i mean i want to draw the line at zookeepers using their own dicks for demonstrational purposes but i mean when you get right down to it, animals have fascinating stuff down there. or in some cases, behind their eyes. and i'll be damned if your average ten-year-old wouldn't sell their left dick-arm to hear about how turtles screw or learn what macaques really do with their weird asses.

in conclusion, this is gonna be goal numero uno when i change the world. i want it to be totally kosher for grownups to talk to kids about how animals do it. assuming of course that the grownups actually know how the animals do it, and that they don't have any gross ulterior motives.

oh hey we are gauging the quality of posts by how many times we say "dick" in them right?