i don't want to say dream job but...

my present important task at the video store is finding new classic gay porn for our gay porn section.

!!!

this means that i get to spend my time watching guys with mustaches have sex with each other and say "yay" or "nay" ("yay!"). i'm getting paid for this! f'real!

so in addition to the obvious perks of being the go-to-man for gay porn, i also get the chance to thumb through dozens of great porn titles. Rectum of Solace. Bone Ultimatum. The Golden Humpass. A Hole's a Hole. Airport Security. Don't Kiss Me I'm Straight.

they're classic. they're gold. each one tells a story.

oh and here's a snippet from a review of 1985's "Hunk": When a baby-faced delivery man accidentally knocks on "hunk's" door (instead of the door that the flowers are meant for) he says to Rex, "But they really should be for you." The delivery person goes over to the correct door...

how cute is that? they don't launch into fucking or even making out, they just meet, exchange this cute little "you should get flowers" moment and move on to sex with other people. i don't think those two ever get together!

oh and i'll leave you with my personal fave, the cover from 1978's "johnny harden and the champs". i love that sky dawson is willing to live dangerously and condom-free, but he's not willing to ride in a sea-faring vessel without a life jacket. safety first, boys.

this is how i look with makeup!!

makeup, i'll grant you. i look good. but i'm still not changing who i am. and i'm not giving up on you either, whiskey. don't you worry.

this is how i usually look...

i went from ages 0-22 not knowing how to put on makeup, and those were some damn happy years of my life. this non-makeup lifestyle i lead was a conscious choice but not necessarily a philosophy or anything... there are lots of reasons one might not wear makeup, and i like to think that my au-natural look was due to a combination of laziness, lack of knowledge of how to be a proper girl, and a belief that I could possibly be beautiful just the way I am. see photo for proof.

but as a performer, i needed headshots. that's when things were about to get CRAZY. i decided that it might be worth the effort to get some makeup see what all these ladies have been raving about for so long.

For Better or for even Better

If you're like me, you're constantly wondering what it would be like to be an average, coming of age, all-Canadian family just trying to get by. Luckily, a comical strip that goes by the name of "For Better or for Worse" has FINALLY answered your desires. For the last 30-90 years, not sure how many, For Better or For Worse has brought individuals their daily dose of mild-mannered, yet often explicitly sexual Canadian family values.

The strip has recently begun to just run archives from long ago, back when those rascals Michael and Elizabeth were still tykes, long before April even came into the picture. But if you're like me, you ready this strip religiously in high school, then stopped when you moved away to college and started reading real things. And, if you're like me, you're wondering what happened to the McPetersons (McPheresons?) while you were in the library studying.

And so, FB o FW fans, I present to you: A Retrospective of For Better or for Worse, September 2004 - May 2008.

zoo meditation. or not meditation but smutty word vomit.

so one of the biggest drawbacks to being a vegan is you can't go to zoos. or you can, but you just can't tell anyone about it. and i mean not that i'm preoccupied with labels, or that i really wanna have vegan street cred or anything, but folks get kinda uppity when i turn down their bacon cheeseburgers but i still get off on watching yaks rub their shaggy hides into bloody mats on the concrete protrusions of their imitation steppe while trying to escape from the cruel, endless humiliations of their grim imprisonment.

which i don't.

that being said i went to the zoo last week (for the first time in years!) and it was so cool! my visit recalled a scene from debra franco's genre-defining work, "am i normal", a stanchion of american cinematic efforts since its creation in 1979. the film details a boy's progress from wayward youth to virile gentleman of fortune, and in the process introduces our fledgling child to a helpful zookeeper (played by the divine edward sullivan), whose memorable words still echo in the minds of all former teenage boys who were forced to watch the film in health class: "in this job, i see a lot of penises. animal penises, that is".

anyway point is i almost got a chance to ask a zookeeper an actually really pressing question about animal penises, but i just couldn't get myself to do it. i mean i was really curious too!

so were you aware that (according to wikipedia) boy octopi actually have only seven arms and one penis? or it's still an arm but does penis stuff too like putting sperm in lady octopi's hoohas. the seven-legged octopus, in fact, is so named because its dick-arm is hidden under its eye (aaah!) (ewww!) so it doesn't get confused with the other arms. naturally, as a scientifically-minded fledgling youth i just had to ask the zookeeper about boy octopi and their crazy insane penis arm. for science!

but the more and more i worked myself up tryin to figure out which of the octopus' arms was actually a dick and just needing to tourette's to this zookeeper about cocktopi, the more i realized that he was a very nice old man and his ailing mind would be blown to smithereens if i so much as mentioned penises around him. so he just babbled on in his educational filmreel voice about mollusks and i listened, wondering my pubescent brain to smithereens about octopus dicks.

i kinda wonder, though, if there can someday exist a world where zookeepers are able to spout off to kids about octopus dicks without parents pulling out tasers and filing complaints. i mean i want to draw the line at zookeepers using their own dicks for demonstrational purposes but i mean when you get right down to it, animals have fascinating stuff down there. or in some cases, behind their eyes. and i'll be damned if your average ten-year-old wouldn't sell their left dick-arm to hear about how turtles screw or learn what macaques really do with their weird asses.

in conclusion, this is gonna be goal numero uno when i change the world. i want it to be totally kosher for grownups to talk to kids about how animals do it. assuming of course that the grownups actually know how the animals do it, and that they don't have any gross ulterior motives.

oh hey we are gauging the quality of posts by how many times we say "dick" in them right?