Let's say you move into a house where the previous tenants have left a VHS copy of New York Minute starring the Olsen Twins.
Let's just say that happens.
It may sound like a wonderful idea to watch this movie.
It's not.
No matter how many drugs you take. Not fun.
And this is coming from someone who has seen Stepmom starring Julia Roberts and that annoying girl... probably over 20 times.
Also, Allison, I have the utmost respect for your artistic viewpoints, and with this (and our creative differences) in mind, I challenge you to a point/counterpoint contest on the merits of Sex and the City.
Monday, May 11, 2009
When Home Alone, Do Not Rent:
Hello, hello!
As the newest member of this trifecta of scientific ladies, I feel it's only appropriate for me to add my own comments on what not to do/watch whilst alone at home. Molly obviously already covered TV shows, while Guy filled us all in on creepy alone thoughts, so I'm here to share the four movies you should not watch by yourself, late at night, or sometimes, at all. These don't comprise the usual scary movies that will clearly give you the creeps if watched alone (The Ring, Suspiria, etc.), but are instead films that I believe will leave you traumatized and shaking without a pal to share the experience.
1. Dead Man Walking- Yes, this is a deeply moving film with outstanding performances by fine actors, and I do believe that you should see it if you haven't. That said, if you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and watch it with somebody! Perhaps the experience of watching it alone wouldn't be quite as traumatizing for some of you, but if, like me, you saw a deceptively upbeat preview of this movie as a child, DO NOT BE FOOLED! Also, actually knowing what the phrase "dead man walking" means in the justice system would help you have more realistic expectations for the end of this movie than the cheery hope I naively held on to for the entirety of the film. This would also probably not make for a great date movie.
2. Monster- Again, great performances, directing, etc. Still not a good movie to watch by yourself unless sexual abuse, domestic abuse, and the increasingly messed up American justice system are issues you're totally comfortable confronting without a buddy to commiserate and pat your hand comfortingly. Along the same veins as Law & Order, this might also make you afraid to be all alone in your house/apartment/hovel, especially if you live in a big city (not that it's very likely that a traumatized, serial-killing prositute will break into your home, but it ups the creep factor, nevertheless).
3. K-19: The Widowmaker- Much as this movie might seem like another fun, action-filled Harrison Ford flick when viewing it on the Netflix website or at the movie store (for us old-school folks- I'm looking at you, Guy), the word "fun" really shouldn't come into play when describing this cinematic catastrophe. Is it important to understand the insane lengths to which the Soviet and U.S. militaries would go to destroy each other decades ago? Yes, absolutely. Is this movie a good way to learn more about that, especially when you are home alone? Sweet Saint Christopher, no! Any film that shows people vomiting their own melted teeth as a result of extreme radiation exposure not only makes it much harder to sleep at night with that image seared into your brain, but is also likely worth skipping entirely. If you really have the urge for a U.S. v. Russia movie starring Harrison Ford, just rent Air Force One for the millionth time, or maybe watch the History Channel and blur your vision enough that somebody in the grainy photos looks like Harrison Ford.
4. Fern Gully- Interestingly, small children would probably be completely okay watching this alone. As an adult re-watching this movie by myself, however, I was fully creeped out by the end. The difference between small children and me? Most small children do not know what Tim Curry looks like. Being able to actually picture Tim Curry saying the phrase "Like mother's milk" as the blob-like oil villain will make your skin crawl. Yes, it will crawl. This movie also falls under the category of "Movies That Seemed Way Cooler When I Was A Kid, And I Kind Of Wish I Had Not Revisited During a Particularly Nostalgic Phase In My Adulthood."
But what is, ironically, a fairly fun movie to watch home alone? Home Alone. Just the first one, though, not Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (if you're going to watch a crappy movie about New York, you might as well go whole hog and watch New York Minute).
As the newest member of this trifecta of scientific ladies, I feel it's only appropriate for me to add my own comments on what not to do/watch whilst alone at home. Molly obviously already covered TV shows, while Guy filled us all in on creepy alone thoughts, so I'm here to share the four movies you should not watch by yourself, late at night, or sometimes, at all. These don't comprise the usual scary movies that will clearly give you the creeps if watched alone (The Ring, Suspiria, etc.), but are instead films that I believe will leave you traumatized and shaking without a pal to share the experience.
1. Dead Man Walking- Yes, this is a deeply moving film with outstanding performances by fine actors, and I do believe that you should see it if you haven't. That said, if you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and watch it with somebody! Perhaps the experience of watching it alone wouldn't be quite as traumatizing for some of you, but if, like me, you saw a deceptively upbeat preview of this movie as a child, DO NOT BE FOOLED! Also, actually knowing what the phrase "dead man walking" means in the justice system would help you have more realistic expectations for the end of this movie than the cheery hope I naively held on to for the entirety of the film. This would also probably not make for a great date movie.
2. Monster- Again, great performances, directing, etc. Still not a good movie to watch by yourself unless sexual abuse, domestic abuse, and the increasingly messed up American justice system are issues you're totally comfortable confronting without a buddy to commiserate and pat your hand comfortingly. Along the same veins as Law & Order, this might also make you afraid to be all alone in your house/apartment/hovel, especially if you live in a big city (not that it's very likely that a traumatized, serial-killing prositute will break into your home, but it ups the creep factor, nevertheless).
3. K-19: The Widowmaker- Much as this movie might seem like another fun, action-filled Harrison Ford flick when viewing it on the Netflix website or at the movie store (for us old-school folks- I'm looking at you, Guy), the word "fun" really shouldn't come into play when describing this cinematic catastrophe. Is it important to understand the insane lengths to which the Soviet and U.S. militaries would go to destroy each other decades ago? Yes, absolutely. Is this movie a good way to learn more about that, especially when you are home alone? Sweet Saint Christopher, no! Any film that shows people vomiting their own melted teeth as a result of extreme radiation exposure not only makes it much harder to sleep at night with that image seared into your brain, but is also likely worth skipping entirely. If you really have the urge for a U.S. v. Russia movie starring Harrison Ford, just rent Air Force One for the millionth time, or maybe watch the History Channel and blur your vision enough that somebody in the grainy photos looks like Harrison Ford.
4. Fern Gully- Interestingly, small children would probably be completely okay watching this alone. As an adult re-watching this movie by myself, however, I was fully creeped out by the end. The difference between small children and me? Most small children do not know what Tim Curry looks like. Being able to actually picture Tim Curry saying the phrase "Like mother's milk" as the blob-like oil villain will make your skin crawl. Yes, it will crawl. This movie also falls under the category of "Movies That Seemed Way Cooler When I Was A Kid, And I Kind Of Wish I Had Not Revisited During a Particularly Nostalgic Phase In My Adulthood."
But what is, ironically, a fairly fun movie to watch home alone? Home Alone. Just the first one, though, not Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (if you're going to watch a crappy movie about New York, you might as well go whole hog and watch New York Minute).
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Let's All Get Acquainted
The Ladies of Science Blog welcomes blogger Allison Wonderland, fellow Lady of Science in our Chicago division. Here in Brooklyn, I am waiting for some NPR podcasts to download and thought it might be fun to introduce the members of the Ladies of Science by finding the funniest old pictures I have of them.
In case you aren't sure what a feminist looks like:
Not only is Allison's shirt sassy, but it's also accurate! Ans so is mine: I am indeed from Dubuque, and I WILL party till I puke.
And here's Guy and Allison:
Guy ALWAYS looks like that.
Last, just to throw some mystery into this blog, one or both of Guy and Molly may be ghosts. I let you, the viewers, decide:
Also, I'm pretty sure that's Allison's arm. Who's real? Who's a ghost? YOU DECIDE!!
In case you aren't sure what a feminist looks like:
Not only is Allison's shirt sassy, but it's also accurate! Ans so is mine: I am indeed from Dubuque, and I WILL party till I puke.
And here's Guy and Allison:
Guy ALWAYS looks like that.
Last, just to throw some mystery into this blog, one or both of Guy and Molly may be ghosts. I let you, the viewers, decide:
Also, I'm pretty sure that's Allison's arm. Who's real? Who's a ghost? YOU DECIDE!!
Friday, May 8, 2009
$2200 - 3 br/2 bath rowhouse (haunted) - (brookland, dc)
three bedroom, two bath rowhouse for rent starting june 1. three stories. somewhat haunted.
spacious living room, dining room. newly refurbished kitchen, plus adequate mudroom space for bikes or projects. front porch perfect for relaxing on warm summer days. occasional mournful sobs with no discernable source can be drowned out by loud music or conversation.
half-finished basement inhabited by the malevolent spirits of a fin-de-siecle inventor and his comely daughter, bellatrix, complete with one-and-a-half-bath and on-site laundry. separate basement entrance. do not linger here.
second story has full bath, master bedroom, and two smaller, connected bedrooms that can be separated by a curtain. master bedroom has access to a mazelike passageway whose structure and appearance seem to defy basic laws of physics and architecture. the passageway branches off in seemlingly infinite twists and turns that should by all reasonable logic be leading into the other rooms of the house, the neighbors houses, sometimes through time itself. those who enter these rooms are sometimes swallowed whole, only to be regurgitated again weeks later babbling meaningless stories about the past, about lost loved ones, and often showing marked aversions to darkness and wind. heed the warnings of these lost souls. venture not into the passageways! stick to the rooms you are provided! only misery may befall those who wander too far within this house of horrors. misery and plenty of sunlight.
ample backyard has two driveway spaces, patio, and comes equipped with table/chairs. wailing and moaning heard inside the house is rarely heard in the backyard.
located in pleasant neighborhood with good sense of community. kids are friendly, and rarely venture into the well-maintained front yard for fear that the spirit they've nicknamed "Tabitha Boneface" will capture them and turn them into chickens to make into matzoh ball soup.
for more info contact Joel Truitt Property Management Co. at 202-547-2707
spacious living room, dining room. newly refurbished kitchen, plus adequate mudroom space for bikes or projects. front porch perfect for relaxing on warm summer days. occasional mournful sobs with no discernable source can be drowned out by loud music or conversation.
half-finished basement inhabited by the malevolent spirits of a fin-de-siecle inventor and his comely daughter, bellatrix, complete with one-and-a-half-bath and on-site laundry. separate basement entrance. do not linger here.
second story has full bath, master bedroom, and two smaller, connected bedrooms that can be separated by a curtain. master bedroom has access to a mazelike passageway whose structure and appearance seem to defy basic laws of physics and architecture. the passageway branches off in seemlingly infinite twists and turns that should by all reasonable logic be leading into the other rooms of the house, the neighbors houses, sometimes through time itself. those who enter these rooms are sometimes swallowed whole, only to be regurgitated again weeks later babbling meaningless stories about the past, about lost loved ones, and often showing marked aversions to darkness and wind. heed the warnings of these lost souls. venture not into the passageways! stick to the rooms you are provided! only misery may befall those who wander too far within this house of horrors. misery and plenty of sunlight.
ample backyard has two driveway spaces, patio, and comes equipped with table/chairs. wailing and moaning heard inside the house is rarely heard in the backyard.
located in pleasant neighborhood with good sense of community. kids are friendly, and rarely venture into the well-maintained front yard for fear that the spirit they've nicknamed "Tabitha Boneface" will capture them and turn them into chickens to make into matzoh ball soup.
for more info contact Joel Truitt Property Management Co. at 202-547-2707
Thursday, May 7, 2009
when home alone, do not think about:
just wanna follow molly's thoughts up with a few lessons about the darkness that i've learned from having insomnia my whole life:
-don't try to figure out whether you're becoming a vampire. my reasoning was basically that i am pale and some of my teeth are sharp and i don't like to be awake when the sun is up. here are a few ways to talk yourself out of that.
a) you're probably not a vampire.
b) when did you become a vampire? that's not the kind of thing that just happens. you'd remember. are there scars?
c) there is garlic in almost EVERYTHING. you probably ate garlic with dinner. think through the last few meals you ate and whether they were delicious or if they burned your mouth like coals.
-don't try to figure out whether you are real. problem thinking! and there are a lot of ways to fall into this pit.
a) the matrix. you're probably not in the matrix because if you were they probably wouldn't have made movies about the matrix. unless they were trying to get you to think that you're not in the matrix! shit!
b) some sort of pale fire/sophie's world sitch where you turn out to be a character in a book. chances are that if someone is writing a book about you then you have some sort of interesting, meaningful name. try making anagrams of your name. are any of them awesome? the best i can come up with is "amid my gut" which is pretty lame. so if i'm a character in a book it's not the kind where people have clever anagram names.
-don't think about local myths. i come from the part of the country that brought us the blair witch, the mothman, and the goatman (these last two are way scarier than they sound). they're probably not real. but 3AM when nobody else is up is the last time you want to be tryin to learn how many mysterious unsolved abductions there are in rural maryland, and how many teeth get found in soda bottles without too many questions gettin asked.
-don't think about any illness that has ever existed. no matter how cured it is. because at 3:30 AM in the dark by yourself, you've got nobody to ask about that mysterious bump. it's sorta raised! it's sorta tender! could this be the plague? you probably don't have the plague. and if you do, there are probably a million grosser diseases you could be dying from.
this is a cursory list. there are plenty of other things i should tell you not to think about but you'll probably figure them out on your own. next time you're lying alone in bed. and you can't sleep. and you hear a noise that's probably just the wood creaking or just the sink leaking or maybe it's just rats in the pantry.
-don't try to figure out whether you're becoming a vampire. my reasoning was basically that i am pale and some of my teeth are sharp and i don't like to be awake when the sun is up. here are a few ways to talk yourself out of that.
a) you're probably not a vampire.
b) when did you become a vampire? that's not the kind of thing that just happens. you'd remember. are there scars?
c) there is garlic in almost EVERYTHING. you probably ate garlic with dinner. think through the last few meals you ate and whether they were delicious or if they burned your mouth like coals.
-don't try to figure out whether you are real. problem thinking! and there are a lot of ways to fall into this pit.
a) the matrix. you're probably not in the matrix because if you were they probably wouldn't have made movies about the matrix. unless they were trying to get you to think that you're not in the matrix! shit!
b) some sort of pale fire/sophie's world sitch where you turn out to be a character in a book. chances are that if someone is writing a book about you then you have some sort of interesting, meaningful name. try making anagrams of your name. are any of them awesome? the best i can come up with is "amid my gut" which is pretty lame. so if i'm a character in a book it's not the kind where people have clever anagram names.
-don't think about local myths. i come from the part of the country that brought us the blair witch, the mothman, and the goatman (these last two are way scarier than they sound). they're probably not real. but 3AM when nobody else is up is the last time you want to be tryin to learn how many mysterious unsolved abductions there are in rural maryland, and how many teeth get found in soda bottles without too many questions gettin asked.
-don't think about any illness that has ever existed. no matter how cured it is. because at 3:30 AM in the dark by yourself, you've got nobody to ask about that mysterious bump. it's sorta raised! it's sorta tender! could this be the plague? you probably don't have the plague. and if you do, there are probably a million grosser diseases you could be dying from.
this is a cursory list. there are plenty of other things i should tell you not to think about but you'll probably figure them out on your own. next time you're lying alone in bed. and you can't sleep. and you hear a noise that's probably just the wood creaking or just the sink leaking or maybe it's just rats in the pantry.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
When Home Alone, Do Not Watch:
Joe, Blogging Molly's RoomBoy/FriendMate, is out of town. Since Blogging Molly shares a comically tiny one-bedroom with said BoyMate, its been a little quiet since he left. Hence the previous post, displaying an inappropriate amount of excitement for the veggie corn dogs i am cooking right now.
But, being home alone, I am reminded of the way that television has a knack for... how do I say... "Freaking the Fuck Out of You." Here's my TV-Guide-for-the-Home-Alone-Gal.
DO NOT WATCH:
1) Unsolved Mysteries. Yes, you may watch this ironically at your parents house while home from college, but as soon as you're home alone in your own place, the ironic distance disappears and those ALIENS ARE RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE!!!!
2) X Files. See Above.
3) Law and Order. This is hard for me to admit, because I love Law and Order more than almost any other television show. But, much like Unsolved Mysteries, the hilarious drama that one experience while sharing the show with a loved one becomes HORRIFYING potential reality when one is home alone in Brooklyn watching a show about brutal crimes that take place in New York City.
Last but not least,
4) Rescue 911. This one is from childhood. As far as I know, this show was canceled 15 years ago for scaring too many children. Its basically a show that was on the fucking FAMILY CHANNEL about kids getting hurt. When I was young, it was always on EXCLUSIVELY when my parents were working and we had a babysitter at night. When you are a child, home alone, do not watch a show about children hurting themselves while home alone. Luckily, I'm not a child anymore, and I'm not so worried about mountain bike accidents or hurting myself with a tooth brush.
But, being home alone, I am reminded of the way that television has a knack for... how do I say... "Freaking the Fuck Out of You." Here's my TV-Guide-for-the-Home-Alone-Gal.
DO NOT WATCH:
1) Unsolved Mysteries. Yes, you may watch this ironically at your parents house while home from college, but as soon as you're home alone in your own place, the ironic distance disappears and those ALIENS ARE RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE!!!!
2) X Files. See Above.
3) Law and Order. This is hard for me to admit, because I love Law and Order more than almost any other television show. But, much like Unsolved Mysteries, the hilarious drama that one experience while sharing the show with a loved one becomes HORRIFYING potential reality when one is home alone in Brooklyn watching a show about brutal crimes that take place in New York City.
Last but not least,
4) Rescue 911. This one is from childhood. As far as I know, this show was canceled 15 years ago for scaring too many children. Its basically a show that was on the fucking FAMILY CHANNEL about kids getting hurt. When I was young, it was always on EXCLUSIVELY when my parents were working and we had a babysitter at night. When you are a child, home alone, do not watch a show about children hurting themselves while home alone. Luckily, I'm not a child anymore, and I'm not so worried about mountain bike accidents or hurting myself with a tooth brush.
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