Barbara Wawa interviews Lady Gaga

Barbara Walters' annual celebration of mediocrity, her "10 Most Fascinating People" special, airs tonight. Now, Ms. Wawa is already teetering on the edge of senility, but this year's flurry of non-heterosexual sexual expression is just about enough to make her concerned-looking head explode.
Ms. Wawa looks SO CONCERNED as she asks Lady Gaga about her sexuality, which she claims to have learned about by listening to Ms. Gaga's latest album (a hilarious thing to picture Barbara Walters doing). Ms. Wawa first asks if Ms. Gaga is bisexual, then asks if she likes men, then asks if she likes women-- implying that Barbara Walters is not quite sure what "bisexual" means. Look at her face when she asks "Have you had sex with women?" Such a patronizing, concerned face is only warranted if Lady Gaga actually Barbara's daughter, and she's 13, and she's been sneaking around.
The Lady Gaga stuff starts at minute 2.32. In addition to Wawa's panicked expression, Gaga's justifiably uncomfortable reaction is pretty fun to watch. Freaking out the squares-- just one more reason to love Lady Gaga.

Can't embed the video, but find it here.

Romantic Comedy Predicts Grim Future for Independent Media

Writing a feminist review of a popular romantic comedy is kind of like writing a grammatical review of an episode of the Wendy Williams show-- we all know it's going to be a train wreck, so it's probably not worth spending too much time thinking about. But sometimes, there's that one episode where Ms. Williams makes such a mockery of the English language that it moves you to action; and sometimes, there's that one romantic comedy that so destructively attacks feminist ideals that the only way you can get through it is to find a notebook and start writing.
Like many people, I know romantic comedies are clusterfucks in a whole lot of ways besides sexism, but sometimes when your boyfriend comes home with a bootleg copy of The Ugly Truth he got from his aunt, you say, "What the hell" and allow yourself to take a peek at the carnage. The basic premise is as follows: When the local TV news show that Katherine Heigl produces starts to suffer in ratings, her boss hires Mike Chadway to literally take over every segment of the news. Is Chadway a newsperson, you ask? Why, no, he's a Man-Show-Esque misogynist commentator whose sexually aggressive diatribes seem especially out of place alongside the show's two actual news anchors. Yes, many RomComs require a certain suspension of disbelief, but this one actually creates a world where all news reporting is replaced by a daily 30 minute segment of violent rantings and jello wrestling.
What I learned about the "Truth" the title speaks of can be summed up in the running list of quotes from the highly aggressive, misogynist, romantic lead Chadway, who, in the end, turns out to be right about everything. Keep in mind, he said all these things at work. In meetings. Or on television.

1. "When guys ask you hw you're doing that's Guy Code for 'let me stick my dick in your ass.'"
2. "Men like something to grab on to other than your ass." (in Spanish, couresy of the bootleg I was watching: "A los hombres les gusta tenes algo que agarrar.")
   
3. "Flicking your bean" (female masturbation reference)
4. "I've had sex with a lot of women, most of them conscious" (this was a different character, but still)
5. Vag, pussy, "I like a woman on top," "wet crotch" x2, "cock" x 15, gang bang, orafices...
   

And a list of action highlights:

1. Simulated hot dog blow job
2. Heigl accidentally gives her date a hand job at a baseball game. She spills soda on his crotch then rubs him off on the kiss cam. All the while she has no idea what she's doing.
   
3. She (for no reason) puts on vibrating panties before a work meeting, then some kid gets the remote, yada yada yada..... While giving a speech, TO WORK, she comes, twice. Everyone thinks the speech was a great success. Because she came. Twice.
   

The movie ends, confusingly, in a montage of hot air balloons. What is not confusing nor surprising, however, is that the movie also ends with the misogynist being right about everything. The strong career woman falls for his bad boy antics, and thus justifies and gives legitimacy to all the hateful, violent things he has said about women.
It seems that it's only acceptable to present a strong, independent-minded woman in pop culture if she is foiled by a stronger, traditional man (a la Jessie and Slater in Saved By the Bell). It is discouraging to see such a powerfully anti-feminist movie gross $200 million at the box office as recently as this summer. This review may come a few months late, but this method of undermining feminist characters is something we have seen and will continue to see, especially if people like Heigl keep taking such one-dimensional roles.

My strange double life as a Yuppie Mom

Hi there Schad Readers,

Molly here, out in New York. I haven't been contributing much to Schad lately, but that's because I've been in the midst of a job switcheroo. Here that, guys? A new job! IN THIS ECONOMY?? It's true, and I am a lucky gal. However, I'm still trying to process my previous job as a Nanny, or, as I liked to call it, Outsourced Child Raiser to the World's Wealthiest Children.

Now, this is a difficult topic to navigate. I, in no way, mean to dis Nannies themselves, nor do I mean to dis working mothers. But, as a nanny in New York, you get a glimpse into a world that, I believe, is starkly different than everywhere else the country-- essentially, Manhattan is a city of children being raised by people who are not their parents. I would be very interested to hear about what Chicago is like, or any other big metropolitan areas with big economic disparities, when it comes to raising children.

So, for the last year, I was to Yuppies as Jane Goodall was to the chimps; I, unshowered, poorly dressed, and slightly hungover, crouched amonst the wealthiest members of the New York animal kingdom and observed this strange species. And, in an ongoing series, I would like to share my findings. I learned a good deal about their eating habbits, mating habbits, and, most fanscinating, their child-rearing habbits.

I have already gone on far too long, so I will close today with just a simple Fun Fact, and come back tomorrow with an analysis of an article on gender identity written in Time Out New York Kids.

Yuppie Fun Fact of the Day: Rich People love cashews. They can talk about them for up to 20 minutes at a time.

Edutainment Extravaganza!

If there is something I love, it is funny women who use their comedy to teach us something we might otherwise not have considered in the course of our daily lives. Take advertising, for instance. We all know that the murky world of advertising is filled with racism, sexism, homophobia, and a whole host of other nasty "isms" and phobias. But do we really stop to think about what ads are actually saying to us?

Enter: Sarah Haskins. Haskins is a former director of the Chicago-based sketch group Hey, You Millionaires! and is now a producer in L.A., producing, among other things, "Target Women," short videos that satirize how the advertising world speaks to, fears, imagines, and undermines women. You can check out all of the Target Women videos on YouTube, but here is one of my all-time favorites:

Okay, apparently the computer I'm working on can't load videos correctly, so here is a link to one of my all-time favorites. Learn. Share. Enjoy.

An Open Letter to Chicago Cyclists

Dear Fellow Chicago Bicyclists,



I feel your pain. I know that a lot of drivers here act like it's their life mission to mow you down whilst simultaneously sipping their McCafe and updating their Twitter pages on their iphones. I also know that it must be frustrating to have spent hours working on perfecting every gear and line on your fancy, speed-demon roadbike (for you Loop folks) or fixed gear masterpiece (for you Logan Square/Wicker Park types) only to be caught behind the rest of us, just attempting to trundle along at a non-breakneck speed and not get run over by the previously mentioned motorists. And yes, I agree that it is just generally annoying that Mayor Daley is pictured smiling in full color on the free city bike maps, but has yet to actually fix many of the main thoroughfares that currently provide the average Chicago biker with any number of potholes, metal grates, and poorly marked bike lanes. Seriously, I really empathize with you, my cycling peers.



Still, are these good reasons for not signalling, whipping around us slower bikers like a bat out of hell without any warning, and riding on the WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD? Because really, you make us all look like d-bags when you pull that nonsense. Yup, d-bags. Also, I know I'm not your mom (probably), but sweet Saint Jehosaphat, just wear a helmet, because when you don't, I look like this:





I like looking like this about as much as you like looking at me looking like this. So let's just not, okay?


Reduce, Reuse, and Recyclyingly Yours,
Allison

Fresh Concepts Wiki Page!!

The comedy group out of which this blog/these bloggers were born is called Fresh Concepts, an improv/sketch group at Macalester College in Minnesota.

Some of the Concepts (my sources tell me it was Simon and Oleh) made a wiki page for the group! Including a picture of the cafeteria sign that gave us our name!


Fresh Concepts on Wikipedia!

Wait Wait I Know Her!

So, I used to think that NPR news quiz show Wait Wait Don't Tell Me was for moms, because my mom listened to it a lot when I was much younger and didn't care about the news. But my new obsession with NPR Podcasts has lead me back to the show, and I think its fantastic.

Then I saw this video, starring the wonderful Kate James of Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude is a sketch group in Chicago and close friends of Chicago Public Radio, and close friends of ours from performing at Macalester. I love them and I love NPR so this video was pretty exciting for me.

BBC Wants to Be Us Weekly

I'm a little obsessed with the BBC website. I can literally spend hours poring over its articles and the awesome photo galleries in the "In Pictures" section. As somebody who never really got into the "I read the New York Times like it's my own personal Bible" phase of young adulthood, I like that I can get caught up on world news and get a healthy dose of British sass all in one sitting (seriously, those Brits pack can some sauciness into their journalism when they put their minds to it).

Lately, though, I've noticed that the BBC is not content to be just the plain ol' BBC, with its straightforward articles served with a side of tea, crumpets, and occasional sass. Like a cliched proper, high society lady envies more "free-spirited," sexily dressed gals, the BBC totally wants to ditch its boring pantsuit and updo for the six-inch heels, pushup bra, and poppin' lipgloss style of Us Weekly. We all know that sex sells and now the BBC wants in on that action. Sure, you can read about how the World Bank has resumed giving aid to Zimbabwe, BUT did you also know that Fransisco Franco only had one testicle? Yeah, the elderly need more vitamin D, BUT studies now show that women with high emotional intelligence have more orgasms. Oh sure, the BBC might hide these articles behind the clever guises of "historical significance" and "personal health" for now, but it's only a matter of time before the top photo gallery is "Reese and Jake's Sexy, Romantic Getaway." It makes me wonder if they now have an official serious news item-to-scandalous news item ratio and what their staff meetings look like.....

Fast Talking Editor: Pip pip, folks! I need some juicy news and I need it yesterday!

Serious Journalist: The leader of the Tamil Tigers has been murdered, resulting in mass celebration in the streets of Sri Lanka.

Fast Talking Editor: Right-o! That is a big, serious newpiece right there. We'll need some hot sex tips or celeb gossip to balance that out.

Eager Intern: A photo essay of Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron making out and playing with puppies?

Fast Talking Editor: Smashing! Let's get that to the layout department immediately. Now, who's for a biscuit?

new career goal: scooby doo villain

so my nonsensical post about a haunted house was motivated by the end of a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad lease that's over and i don't want to talk about it. but i do want to get even.

and i've thought long and hard about how to handle this. flaming pile of dog doo on my property manager's doorstep? breaking into his office? some sort of legal action to bar him from slumlording all over this city? but these are too blase and utilitarian! who will remember a flaming bag of poo ten years down the line? how will a lawsuit let the world know that the fellow has no right to manage property?

the answer, obviously, can be found in Scooby Doo. this is EXACTLY the sort of problem that can be solved by making it look like a house is haunted! think about it - who would want to rent a house if they will just be bothered by an pirate's ghost or a mummy from space or a swamp monster? nobody. it's the perfect crime.

anyway i'll keep you posted about this scheme. i should probably watch a lot of Scooby Doo to prepare...

SATC is A Great Show: Point/Counterpoint Showdown 2

Counterpoint taken, with much respect.

POINT:
Um... it comes on at midnight and I like to eat chips and watch it and I think sometimes it has pretty good love stories?

Wait, that's not a point. I'm thinking. I'm thinking about trying to make an argument about its representations of queerness, or of positive relationships among women, or maybe of motherhood, I can't decide which.

I'll get back to you. Also, Howard Zinn in New York today promoting a new book, A Young People's History of the United States, a partner to one of the most important history books in America, A People's History of the United States. This new one is adapted for younger kids, and as my lifelong dream is to teach radical history to kiddies, I think this is pretty fucking awesome.

SATC Is Not That Great of a Show: Point/Counterpoint Showdown*

Counterpoint:

Samantha uses the fact that she's highly sexual as a form of privilege to manipulate other people, especially other women. Example: She sees her sexuality as enabling her to understand and communicate with (read: talk down to) transsexual sex workers (all of whom are portrayed as black) "in their own language." She acts friendly, if a trifling condescending, to them in person, then completely disrepects them in conversation with the other SATC ladies (all of whom are white and upper middle-class). This makes for a show with trans politics that are insulting at best, racist and classist at worst. Should Samantha's empowerment come at the cost of others'?

*Please note that I do not hate Sex and the City. I have seen every episode and the movie and find them basically entertaining, but still problematic.

SATC is A Great Show: Point/Counterpoint Showdown

Sex and the City is a great show.

POINT:
Samantha illustrates that its okay for women to love sex and dislike commitment, just like it's always been okay for boys to do.

Just What I Always Wanted

Soap in the shape of babies' hands.

SATC: WTF?

Molly, I wholeheartedly accept your invitation to a point/counterpoint debate on Sex and the City! I also welcome any reader commentary (blog-o-tary? blogentary?) on the subject. Is Sex and the City feminist? Empowering? Fashion forward? Edutainment? Proof of intelligent design? Inquiring minds want to know!

I would also like to point out that on this date in 1978, the U.S. Commerce Department announced that hurricanes would no longer be given only female names, truly an auspicious moment in feminist history.

Molly's Home Alone: Observation #2

OH NO!!! THE LIGHTBULB IN MY BEDROOM BURNED OUT!!!!

what am i going to do??? there's no one in the house tall enough to change the lightbulb!!!

i guess i'll be picking out my clothes in the dark for the next 2 weeks. please forgive my forthcoming lack of color coordination.

Re: New York Minute

Let's say you move into a house where the previous tenants have left a VHS copy of New York Minute starring the Olsen Twins.

Let's just say that happens.

It may sound like a wonderful idea to watch this movie.

It's not.

No matter how many drugs you take. Not fun.

And this is coming from someone who has seen Stepmom starring Julia Roberts and that annoying girl... probably over 20 times.

Also, Allison, I have the utmost respect for your artistic viewpoints, and with this (and our creative differences) in mind, I challenge you to a point/counterpoint contest on the merits of Sex and the City.

When Home Alone, Do Not Rent:

Hello, hello!
As the newest member of this trifecta of scientific ladies, I feel it's only appropriate for me to add my own comments on what not to do/watch whilst alone at home. Molly obviously already covered TV shows, while Guy filled us all in on creepy alone thoughts, so I'm here to share the four movies you should not watch by yourself, late at night, or sometimes, at all. These don't comprise the usual scary movies that will clearly give you the creeps if watched alone (The Ring, Suspiria, etc.), but are instead films that I believe will leave you traumatized and shaking without a pal to share the experience.

1. Dead Man Walking- Yes, this is a deeply moving film with outstanding performances by fine actors, and I do believe that you should see it if you haven't. That said, if you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and watch it with somebody! Perhaps the experience of watching it alone wouldn't be quite as traumatizing for some of you, but if, like me, you saw a deceptively upbeat preview of this movie as a child, DO NOT BE FOOLED! Also, actually knowing what the phrase "dead man walking" means in the justice system would help you have more realistic expectations for the end of this movie than the cheery hope I naively held on to for the entirety of the film. This would also probably not make for a great date movie.

2. Monster- Again, great performances, directing, etc. Still not a good movie to watch by yourself unless sexual abuse, domestic abuse, and the increasingly messed up American justice system are issues you're totally comfortable confronting without a buddy to commiserate and pat your hand comfortingly. Along the same veins as Law & Order, this might also make you afraid to be all alone in your house/apartment/hovel, especially if you live in a big city (not that it's very likely that a traumatized, serial-killing prositute will break into your home, but it ups the creep factor, nevertheless).

3. K-19: The Widowmaker- Much as this movie might seem like another fun, action-filled Harrison Ford flick when viewing it on the Netflix website or at the movie store (for us old-school folks- I'm looking at you, Guy), the word "fun" really shouldn't come into play when describing this cinematic catastrophe. Is it important to understand the insane lengths to which the Soviet and U.S. militaries would go to destroy each other decades ago? Yes, absolutely. Is this movie a good way to learn more about that, especially when you are home alone? Sweet Saint Christopher, no! Any film that shows people vomiting their own melted teeth as a result of extreme radiation exposure not only makes it much harder to sleep at night with that image seared into your brain, but is also likely worth skipping entirely. If you really have the urge for a U.S. v. Russia movie starring Harrison Ford, just rent Air Force One for the millionth time, or maybe watch the History Channel and blur your vision enough that somebody in the grainy photos looks like Harrison Ford.

4. Fern Gully- Interestingly, small children would probably be completely okay watching this alone. As an adult re-watching this movie by myself, however, I was fully creeped out by the end. The difference between small children and me? Most small children do not know what Tim Curry looks like. Being able to actually picture Tim Curry saying the phrase "Like mother's milk" as the blob-like oil villain will make your skin crawl. Yes, it will crawl. This movie also falls under the category of "Movies That Seemed Way Cooler When I Was A Kid, And I Kind Of Wish I Had Not Revisited During a Particularly Nostalgic Phase In My Adulthood."

But what is, ironically, a fairly fun movie to watch home alone? Home Alone. Just the first one, though, not Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (if you're going to watch a crappy movie about New York, you might as well go whole hog and watch New York Minute).

Let's All Get Acquainted

The Ladies of Science Blog welcomes blogger Allison Wonderland, fellow Lady of Science in our Chicago division. Here in Brooklyn, I am waiting for some NPR podcasts to download and thought it might be fun to introduce the members of the Ladies of Science by finding the funniest old pictures I have of them.

In case you aren't sure what a feminist looks like:


Not only is Allison's shirt sassy, but it's also accurate! Ans so is mine: I am indeed from Dubuque, and I WILL party till I puke.

And here's Guy and Allison:


Guy ALWAYS looks like that.
Last, just to throw some mystery into this blog, one or both of Guy and Molly may be ghosts. I let you, the viewers, decide:


Also, I'm pretty sure that's Allison's arm. Who's real? Who's a ghost? YOU DECIDE!!

$2200 - 3 br/2 bath rowhouse (haunted) - (brookland, dc)

three bedroom, two bath rowhouse for rent starting june 1. three stories. somewhat haunted.

spacious living room, dining room. newly refurbished kitchen, plus adequate mudroom space for bikes or projects. front porch perfect for relaxing on warm summer days. occasional mournful sobs with no discernable source can be drowned out by loud music or conversation.

half-finished basement inhabited by the malevolent spirits of a fin-de-siecle inventor and his comely daughter, bellatrix, complete with one-and-a-half-bath and on-site laundry. separate basement entrance. do not linger here.

second story has full bath, master bedroom, and two smaller, connected bedrooms that can be separated by a curtain. master bedroom has access to a mazelike passageway whose structure and appearance seem to defy basic laws of physics and architecture. the passageway branches off in seemlingly infinite twists and turns that should by all reasonable logic be leading into the other rooms of the house, the neighbors houses, sometimes through time itself. those who enter these rooms are sometimes swallowed whole, only to be regurgitated again weeks later babbling meaningless stories about the past, about lost loved ones, and often showing marked aversions to darkness and wind. heed the warnings of these lost souls. venture not into the passageways! stick to the rooms you are provided! only misery may befall those who wander too far within this house of horrors. misery and plenty of sunlight.

ample backyard has two driveway spaces, patio, and comes equipped with table/chairs. wailing and moaning heard inside the house is rarely heard in the backyard.

located in pleasant neighborhood with good sense of community. kids are friendly, and rarely venture into the well-maintained front yard for fear that the spirit they've nicknamed "Tabitha Boneface" will capture them and turn them into chickens to make into matzoh ball soup.

for more info contact Joel Truitt Property Management Co. at 202-547-2707

when home alone, do not think about:

just wanna follow molly's thoughts up with a few lessons about the darkness that i've learned from having insomnia my whole life:

-don't try to figure out whether you're becoming a vampire. my reasoning was basically that i am pale and some of my teeth are sharp and i don't like to be awake when the sun is up. here are a few ways to talk yourself out of that.
a) you're probably not a vampire.
b) when did you become a vampire? that's not the kind of thing that just happens. you'd remember. are there scars?
c) there is garlic in almost EVERYTHING. you probably ate garlic with dinner. think through the last few meals you ate and whether they were delicious or if they burned your mouth like coals.

-don't try to figure out whether you are real. problem thinking! and there are a lot of ways to fall into this pit.
a) the matrix. you're probably not in the matrix because if you were they probably wouldn't have made movies about the matrix. unless they were trying to get you to think that you're not in the matrix! shit!
b) some sort of pale fire/sophie's world sitch where you turn out to be a character in a book. chances are that if someone is writing a book about you then you have some sort of interesting, meaningful name. try making anagrams of your name. are any of them awesome? the best i can come up with is "amid my gut" which is pretty lame. so if i'm a character in a book it's not the kind where people have clever anagram names.

-don't think about local myths. i come from the part of the country that brought us the blair witch, the mothman, and the goatman (these last two are way scarier than they sound). they're probably not real. but 3AM when nobody else is up is the last time you want to be tryin to learn how many mysterious unsolved abductions there are in rural maryland, and how many teeth get found in soda bottles without too many questions gettin asked.

-don't think about any illness that has ever existed. no matter how cured it is. because at 3:30 AM in the dark by yourself, you've got nobody to ask about that mysterious bump. it's sorta raised! it's sorta tender! could this be the plague? you probably don't have the plague. and if you do, there are probably a million grosser diseases you could be dying from.

this is a cursory list. there are plenty of other things i should tell you not to think about but you'll probably figure them out on your own. next time you're lying alone in bed. and you can't sleep. and you hear a noise that's probably just the wood creaking or just the sink leaking or maybe it's just rats in the pantry.

When Home Alone, Do Not Watch:

Joe, Blogging Molly's RoomBoy/FriendMate, is out of town. Since Blogging Molly shares a comically tiny one-bedroom with said BoyMate, its been a little quiet since he left. Hence the previous post, displaying an inappropriate amount of excitement for the veggie corn dogs i am cooking right now.

But, being home alone, I am reminded of the way that television has a knack for... how do I say... "Freaking the Fuck Out of You." Here's my TV-Guide-for-the-Home-Alone-Gal.
DO NOT WATCH:
1) Unsolved Mysteries. Yes, you may watch this ironically at your parents house while home from college, but as soon as you're home alone in your own place, the ironic distance disappears and those ALIENS ARE RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE!!!!
2) X Files. See Above.
3) Law and Order. This is hard for me to admit, because I love Law and Order more than almost any other television show. But, much like Unsolved Mysteries, the hilarious drama that one experience while sharing the show with a loved one becomes HORRIFYING potential reality when one is home alone in Brooklyn watching a show about brutal crimes that take place in New York City.

Last but not least,
4) Rescue 911. This one is from childhood. As far as I know, this show was canceled 15 years ago for scaring too many children. Its basically a show that was on the fucking FAMILY CHANNEL about kids getting hurt. When I was young, it was always on EXCLUSIVELY when my parents were working and we had a babysitter at night. When you are a child, home alone, do not watch a show about children hurting themselves while home alone. Luckily, I'm not a child anymore, and I'm not so worried about mountain bike accidents or hurting myself with a tooth brush.

Veggie Corn Dogs

I Liked Funny Kitten Videos Before It Was Cool

Guy's incredible animal sex videos got me thinking of other videos with animals I like...

Not to toot my own horn here, but there have been a few things that have gotten popular throughout my life that I TOTALLY knew were cool before everyone else did. Among them:

1) Long shorts on girls. I started wearing long shorts ("boy" shorts if you will) when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, back when Daisy Dukes were the only shorts available and everyone thought I was either a boy or a 9-year-old lesbian. Then, in about 2006, they BLEW UP! If only my ridiculed, non-traditional girlish-yet-still-heterosexual young self would have known.

2) Short hair on girls. Now it's hugely popular. Back when I started... see "9-year-old lesbian" reference above.

3) FUNNY KITTEN VIDEOS

My partner in blogging, Guy, can attest to this, as can fellow Lady of Science Anne Zander. Funny kitten pictures/videos can make me laugh harder than almost anything. I know LOLcats and CuteOverload and CatsinSinks and all those websites already have this area covered. But it hopes that readers of this blog might be the type who don't pursue funny kitten pictures on their own, I will try to find the best of the best and post them, every so often, so that you may know the pure, MDMA-like intensity of laughing at cats.

percentage of my posts that have been about animal sex: 40%

but i am okay with that. you might have already caught this but my longtime hero Isabella Rossellini has put together (almost all on her own) a set of short films about how bugs and sea creatures do it. this is maybe the best:



but they're all pretty amazing. you can see the rest at the sundance channel website.

important things about this video:
-it comforts me that people make cheap animal costumes to share information about animal mating behaviors. this is something famous people can do for money! this is something i could do for money!
-Isabella Rossellini has a wonderful voice. these films give you license to imitate her voice. just try it! "i would have no penis" it's fun!

anyway take your time, watch all of these things. you'll learn so much!

"Internet Video that Makes Me Happy to Be Alive": Installment 1

Bad day? Bad month? Recession got you down? Wondering what the hell to do with your life?

This will cheer you up and remind you how wonderful it is to be alive.

BAT FIGHT with Will Ferrell from Will Ferrell

The amazing photographer who took my headshots, Alden, played it for me before we took pictures, and that's why I'm smiling so much in all the shots!

Conservatives keep accidentally being sexy and/or gay

In a hilarious turn of events, conservatives can't stop making websites/movements with highly sexual names. Dirty ones, too. I'm sure everyone has heard this wonderful news already, but as this blog loves all things queer, I wanted to tip my hat to 2M4M, the new hate website/sexy gay craigslist add for the National Organization for Marriage, and the new patriotic trend that's sweeping the nation:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Follow Me On Twitter God Dammit

It's official. I'm a tweeter.

a tweetise of human nature

re: tweetaly

hey molly,
i'm sorry that i, like atlantis, have finally sunk beneath the waves into an ocean of tweets and twitters and dumb new twitter words that twitter defines for me on the sidebar every day (like twi-tty tassels). and it wasn't totally joe's fault (another's hands pulled me into these murky depths) so don't blame him (i don't know if you already were). but here i sit in the tweeting twilight of twitter's mesopelagic zone, the sunlight of the bounded physical world still touching my glassy eyes, its warmth still caressing my frozen bones, though i sink deeper and deeper into twittification each day.

and still have extended a hand up to the blogosphere where you float to pull you down to my desolate depths. this is what i truly regret. that by letting myself fall i have dragged you with me.

regrets,
-guy

Tweetaly tweetaly deet

Dear Guy (an inter-blog memo),

You were the last non-tweeting vestige of my life. John (my brother) hit that shit long ago, but I said Facebook Status Updates were satisfying my need to broadcast my mundane daily activities. Now everyone's mad at Facebook. Last week, Joe (boyfriend), joined Twitter and has replaced tweeting for absolutely all human interaction, including speaking with his girlfriend. No joke, i actually had to text him the other day while we were both in our tiny, one room apartment, just to get his attention.

And now with you, my blogging-partner-in-crime on this Tweeting business, I am considering it. After all, I do lots of inconsequential things I would like the world to know about.

Watch out, World. And Twitter. Here I come.

Love,
Molly
p.s. yes, this letter gradually transitioned from being a letter to guy to a letter to the world. give me a break. i'm still getting used to this blog thing.

i blog to another

i've gotta deal with some identity issues right now. i've got a twitter. i sorta swore i'd never go down that road and it's a lil bit weird to start down it while i'm really just getting started with this blog...road. but i really think we can all be happy. twitter will handle my delightful nonsequiturs while the blog will serve as a forum for my grandiloquent soliloquies. they serve two different functions! so nobody needs to get jealous.

here, this is my twitter: guydammit

i still love blog. and i love twitter. you guys just have to understand that i love you differently.

Sprintime and What it Means to Me: An Essay

I would like to post a For Better or For Worse column right now, but my internet apparently is not as excited to read the lastest Canadian musings of Ms. Johnston as I am. Instead, I will write an essay.

What Spring Means To Me
I am 23 years old. While this fun fact may seem irrelevant, it does mean that I have spent every year of my life since I was about 3 in a school setting-- until now. So, my life up to this point has taught me a few things about Spring- this I associate almost exclusively with the rhythm of being a student.
When you are in school (especially when you go to a heathenistic, dope-loving, sexually crazed liberal arts drunk tank like the one I went to) Spring Means the Following things:

• People start wearing less clothes
• People start fucking like bunny rabbits
• School is about to end. You're about to have no homework. Your life is about to get WAY better.
  
• Everyone's so happy, they start fucking EVEN MORE
• People are making travel plans. Old friends are coming into town. Friends are leaving for the summer. There is a general air of excitement at the prospect of new friends, new people, and new Fucking Prospects.
• People start smoking weed anywhere and everywhere. It suddenly seems completely appropriate to get high before work, class, or breakfast.
  
• Ditto for drinking.
• Life changes. Everything feels new again.

I am a lucky gal. Springtime has always been good to me, and I have had many happy Aprils and Mays full of bloody marys, brief and awkward romances, and outdoor drug consumption.

Now comes the turn. As the smell of thawing frozen garbage begins to fill the air and the streets of Bushwick begin to fill with people doing random-ass shit (i.e. driving giant remote control cars towards actual cars), I know Spring is almost here. But I am not in school. I am just a grown up, working. Will things still feel new and exciting and full of change and potential? I'm not sure.

Only time will tell, but if I didn't have to go to work in a few minutes, I would raise a mid-day toast to wish:

May Springtime always feel as good as it feels when you are a kid on a college campus.

i don't want to say dream job but...

my present important task at the video store is finding new classic gay porn for our gay porn section.

!!!

this means that i get to spend my time watching guys with mustaches have sex with each other and say "yay" or "nay" ("yay!"). i'm getting paid for this! f'real!

so in addition to the obvious perks of being the go-to-man for gay porn, i also get the chance to thumb through dozens of great porn titles. Rectum of Solace. Bone Ultimatum. The Golden Humpass. A Hole's a Hole. Airport Security. Don't Kiss Me I'm Straight.

they're classic. they're gold. each one tells a story.

oh and here's a snippet from a review of 1985's "Hunk": When a baby-faced delivery man accidentally knocks on "hunk's" door (instead of the door that the flowers are meant for) he says to Rex, "But they really should be for you." The delivery person goes over to the correct door...

how cute is that? they don't launch into fucking or even making out, they just meet, exchange this cute little "you should get flowers" moment and move on to sex with other people. i don't think those two ever get together!

oh and i'll leave you with my personal fave, the cover from 1978's "johnny harden and the champs". i love that sky dawson is willing to live dangerously and condom-free, but he's not willing to ride in a sea-faring vessel without a life jacket. safety first, boys.

this is how i look with makeup!!

makeup, i'll grant you. i look good. but i'm still not changing who i am. and i'm not giving up on you either, whiskey. don't you worry.

this is how i usually look...

i went from ages 0-22 not knowing how to put on makeup, and those were some damn happy years of my life. this non-makeup lifestyle i lead was a conscious choice but not necessarily a philosophy or anything... there are lots of reasons one might not wear makeup, and i like to think that my au-natural look was due to a combination of laziness, lack of knowledge of how to be a proper girl, and a belief that I could possibly be beautiful just the way I am. see photo for proof.

but as a performer, i needed headshots. that's when things were about to get CRAZY. i decided that it might be worth the effort to get some makeup see what all these ladies have been raving about for so long.

For Better or for even Better

If you're like me, you're constantly wondering what it would be like to be an average, coming of age, all-Canadian family just trying to get by. Luckily, a comical strip that goes by the name of "For Better or for Worse" has FINALLY answered your desires. For the last 30-90 years, not sure how many, For Better or For Worse has brought individuals their daily dose of mild-mannered, yet often explicitly sexual Canadian family values.

The strip has recently begun to just run archives from long ago, back when those rascals Michael and Elizabeth were still tykes, long before April even came into the picture. But if you're like me, you ready this strip religiously in high school, then stopped when you moved away to college and started reading real things. And, if you're like me, you're wondering what happened to the McPetersons (McPheresons?) while you were in the library studying.

And so, FB o FW fans, I present to you: A Retrospective of For Better or for Worse, September 2004 - May 2008.

zoo meditation. or not meditation but smutty word vomit.

so one of the biggest drawbacks to being a vegan is you can't go to zoos. or you can, but you just can't tell anyone about it. and i mean not that i'm preoccupied with labels, or that i really wanna have vegan street cred or anything, but folks get kinda uppity when i turn down their bacon cheeseburgers but i still get off on watching yaks rub their shaggy hides into bloody mats on the concrete protrusions of their imitation steppe while trying to escape from the cruel, endless humiliations of their grim imprisonment.

which i don't.

that being said i went to the zoo last week (for the first time in years!) and it was so cool! my visit recalled a scene from debra franco's genre-defining work, "am i normal", a stanchion of american cinematic efforts since its creation in 1979. the film details a boy's progress from wayward youth to virile gentleman of fortune, and in the process introduces our fledgling child to a helpful zookeeper (played by the divine edward sullivan), whose memorable words still echo in the minds of all former teenage boys who were forced to watch the film in health class: "in this job, i see a lot of penises. animal penises, that is".

anyway point is i almost got a chance to ask a zookeeper an actually really pressing question about animal penises, but i just couldn't get myself to do it. i mean i was really curious too!

so were you aware that (according to wikipedia) boy octopi actually have only seven arms and one penis? or it's still an arm but does penis stuff too like putting sperm in lady octopi's hoohas. the seven-legged octopus, in fact, is so named because its dick-arm is hidden under its eye (aaah!) (ewww!) so it doesn't get confused with the other arms. naturally, as a scientifically-minded fledgling youth i just had to ask the zookeeper about boy octopi and their crazy insane penis arm. for science!

but the more and more i worked myself up tryin to figure out which of the octopus' arms was actually a dick and just needing to tourette's to this zookeeper about cocktopi, the more i realized that he was a very nice old man and his ailing mind would be blown to smithereens if i so much as mentioned penises around him. so he just babbled on in his educational filmreel voice about mollusks and i listened, wondering my pubescent brain to smithereens about octopus dicks.

i kinda wonder, though, if there can someday exist a world where zookeepers are able to spout off to kids about octopus dicks without parents pulling out tasers and filing complaints. i mean i want to draw the line at zookeepers using their own dicks for demonstrational purposes but i mean when you get right down to it, animals have fascinating stuff down there. or in some cases, behind their eyes. and i'll be damned if your average ten-year-old wouldn't sell their left dick-arm to hear about how turtles screw or learn what macaques really do with their weird asses.

in conclusion, this is gonna be goal numero uno when i change the world. i want it to be totally kosher for grownups to talk to kids about how animals do it. assuming of course that the grownups actually know how the animals do it, and that they don't have any gross ulterior motives.

oh hey we are gauging the quality of posts by how many times we say "dick" in them right?